Part Deux is even better than part 1. Thank you Wes for taking the time to educate us all.
Enjoy!
So now that we’re all in agreement that the Hanesless Hang Clean and Shirtless Snatches are a good thing. Lets delve into the “whom” of the bare chested back squat. Dutch alluded to the way he “sold” CrossFit to me, let me sum it up: He called me a fatass in a bar…. literally (don’t worry guys Dutch will be doing a “how to get new clients” post in the coming days). This little story serves as context for today’s post on two fronts A) My first two examples come from personal experience B) as I said in part one Dutch is asshole. So lets get to the T-Shirt tossin…
3 Bills:
That’s right I said it, going shirtless has no ceiling. I topped out at a lean 309 lbs in college, fueled by Olive Garden Breadsticks and Coors Light, I never waivered in my dedication to the shirtless workout. Now is the time to unlock the secret of the cottonless clean…. Topless WODs are strictly utilitarian ventures. When I’m 3 bills you better believe it’s considerably hotter for me out there than for Johnny Buck 50. In my opinion the bigger all the more reason to toss the T-Shirt, just because we got a spare tire doesn’t exempt us from being move to a “Cal”esque WOD.
Chubby Guy with Big Pecs and Back Hair:
See above “3 Bills”. Just wanted to throw this one in here to show you my current state. As with 3 Bills, the addition of the coat of body hair, adds to the need for threadless thrusters.
Super Ripped Guy:
Hey super ripped guy, newsflash buddy, nobody gives a shit that you have a 12 pack. Nobody’s impressed with your lats, and frankly we could all care less, that you can do 1000 air squats in a row without messing up your hair. Super ripped guy its time to take a look in the mirror (you’ve obviously been here before), am I rocking a shirtless WOD because its a spiritual experience or am I just trying to impress Suzy Sports Bra over there? Is my lack of torso covering due to a 60-day heat wave, or am just trying to show off my 3 oblique muscles? Check yourself super ripped guy, are your intentions pure? If not lets reevaluate, maybe its time for you to did some air squats in a sweatsuit.
Women of all shapes and sizes:
I need to get something off my chest…. It takes allot of cigarettes, cocaine, and vomiting to look like the fine ladies of US Weekly and Cosmo. Whew that felt good, you ladies are bombarded with negative body images on a daily basis, and since its been established in this fine article that topless tabatas are a strictly utilitarian venture. I implore you ladies to join in on the fun. Let go of the preconceived notions of what you “should” look like and embrace what you are DOING. CrossFit workouts are terrible, your heart is pumping something like 56575 BPMs, your lungs are on fire, and you can’t see straight. Why subject your self to the additional pain of lugging around a 15 lb shirt soaked in sweat, this shit is hard enough. Liberate yourself ladies, everyone of you is beautiful, no matter where you are in your fitness journey.
So there you have it consider yourself educated. This is the definitive guide to shirt removal (hey! he stole that from the apple guy), get out there folks and get those shirts off regardless of the names Dutch calls you. It’s been fun, keep on fightin the good fight.
Wes, as an un-perfect woman out there in the real world, thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I love your posts! Ya gotta do more of them!
Louise glad you enjoyed my ramblings! Threadless thrusters on La Rue Bourbon, seems like a nice pairing!
Wes Bobby, you are my hero. Great stuff. Team Marshall will always have the last laugh!
Indeed! Team Marshall lives on!
No excuse needed to take my shirt off! That’s one of my favorite things about a CrossFit affiliate. Try that at a globo gym and you’ll quickly be shown the door!
Yo Snipes, we are all reading it and we’re all loving it. Thanks homeboy.
That is totally awesome…. I love it…
Didn’t Team Marshall order some velour track suits back in the day for the sole purpose of mid workout removal?
“CrossFit workouts are terrible, your heart is pumping something like 56575 BPMs”
Okay, that’s great! Thanks for the laugh!!!
Wes, thanks for the pep talk. Dutch is working me hard to get to my shirtless goal! BTW- you are frakin hilarious!